AS I WRITE this, it has been 16 months since my last haircut—the last time I felt safe being partially restrained by a front-facing cape while a stranger hovered near my face with scissors. Needless to say, my hair is unruly and prematurely greying, but fear not, it is doing wonders for my love life. I have kissed dating goodbye and started washing people’s feet with my hair. Because why walk a mile in someone’s shoes when you could just take a good hard look at their calluses? If you can feel the tug of your hair between your partner’s toes and not turn away in shame (or accidentally tickle them), what can’t you accomplish together?
This method is not only pandemic-safe-ish, it’s biblical. And it is much wiser to take intimacy advice from Mary of Bethany than Joshua Harris of Dayton, Ohio. In the gospel of John, Mary pours an expensive perfume on Jesus’ feet and wipes his feet with her hair. In the gospels of Mark and Matthew, Jesus himself calls being anointed, “A BEAUTIFUL THING” (the original Greek did not use all caps, but it should have).
Now, in Greco-Roman times, a person would likely use an expensive perfume known as nard, an amber-colored, intensely scented essential oil derived from a flowering plant akin to honeysuckle. For unknown reasons, designer perfume companies have not jumped at the opportunity to name their products “Nard, for Her” or “Nard, Pure Seduction” or “Nard, Scent of the Gods’ (feet).”
If you don’t have any nard or Chanel No. 5 on hand, don’t panic. It is okay to substitute other household aromatics. I have used, for example, Febreze, Poo-Pourri, the warm, wet wax of a T.J. Maxx candle, and nondairy vanilla creamer. But don’t get too loosey-goosey with it: Only use Axe body spray as an absolute last resort, and only if you spray it out of the canister and into an alabaster jar before foot application. In a pinch, use your tears. Tears are a biblically appropriate foot ointment and, in such a time as this, all too plentiful.
If you are feeling judgy about my choices, may I remind you that Judas Iscariot was also a total snob when Mary dried Jesus’ feet with her hair. And Jesus, no doubt emboldened by the smell and smoothness of his feet, reprimanded Judas and praised Mary’s faith.
So don’t be a Judas, don’t be a Joshua—be a Mary and watch your love life blossom.
Jenna Barnett is the culture editor at Sojourners and the producer of the award-winning podcast Lead Us Not.
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