And They Were Not Ashamed

Matthias Roberts spoke with Sojourners associate editor Betsy Shirley about his book Beyond Shame.

Sojourners: Why write a book on sex and faith and shame?

Matthias Roberts: Many of us who grew up within purity culture have rejected the strict, moralistic guidelines around sex and sexuality we were raised with, but aren’t sure what beliefs we do still hold. As a counselor, I noticed coping mechanisms that aren’t necessarily the most healthy ways to work with our sexuality. I hope to name what those unhealthy coping mechanisms are and chart a way forward.

What is sexual shame? Shame is a core response that we have that makes us turn away. When things within our sexuality make us want to turn away from either ourselves or other people, we get sexual shame. Sexual shame affects us relationally—and not just within our sexual relationships. It can look like secrecy and avoidance: We’ve been taught we can’t express sexuality outside of particular contexts and yet most people are, so we hide that away, lie about it, or pretend it’s not there.

One of the coping mechanisms you’ve observed among many Christians raised within purity culture is what you call “shamelessness,” or “casting off all the rules, all the boxes, all voices telling us how to live our lives.” Why can that be harmful? We can easily do violence to ourselves and other people when we’re so concerned about not feeling shame. We’re using our sexuality almost as a tool—using ourselves and other people to avoid our shame. This can cause major relational harm.

What message about sex would you like to hear from Christian leaders? It would be so healing to hear that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from your experiences. It’d be great to hear pastors say, “We’re here for you—when you are teens and young adults and even later in life—as you go through a process of learning and becoming.”