HOW ABOUT NOW? Now can we exhale? Confident that our democracy is still clinging above the precipice of failure, its fingers sore from gripping an outcrop holding our country together, its legs dangling over the jagged stones of dictatorship below [almost finished with the metaphor], its feet clawing for a foothold of common ground, even though feet actually don’t claw, but I can’t think of the verb that feet do.
Anyway, Joe Biden won the election and finally countered that hurtful nickname of “Sleepy” by staying awake for most of his inauguration. Chief Justice John Roberts did his part by respectfully stifling a giggle when administering the oath of office to a man facing a Supreme Court that could nullify any action he takes. And none of the television cameras picked up Roberts mouthing “6 to 3, baby!”
It was a nice ceremony, marred only by Rudy Giuliani rushing the stage, waving documents and shouting something about fraud that nobody heard because we were distracted by how much he looks like a crazed jack-o’-lantern. Other than that, the nation finally celebrated a president who will usher in our long-awaited renewal. (But it turns out ushers only have the skills to separate friends of the bride and groom, so we turned off the television and resumed staring at the same four walls we’ve been looking at since March.)
Actually, none of that happened. I’m once again writing about future events because of a deadline that forces me to write only about what’s already occurred. And where’s the fun in that? It’s like giving yesterday’s weather report. (“Make sure to take an umbrella, because it rained already.”) I envy the people at Fox News who report confidently about things that haven’t happened, such as the socialist takeover of the United States in the first week of the Biden administration. It’s completely made up, but with a conviction that’s disarmingly credible and stirs up viewers who justifiably fear that their Social Security checks, veterans’ benefits, and Medicare coverage will be taken over by the government.
But about this hideous pathogen that continues to devastate our economy, weaken the life-saving abilities of our hospitals, and destabilize state and local governments. I’m talking about Mitch McConnell, of course, although “pathogen” might be an unfair description. Maybe “bacterium” better describes bacillus mitchus, a spineless organism with moist eyes that speaks—with no discernible movement of his lips—against the common good. Fortunately, he’s not replicating at a cellular level, but he’s in the bloodstream, and we can’t seem to get rid of him. After 36 years in the Senate, he was re-elected for another six, despite the fact that his only constituent service is keeping Kentucky the 45th richest state in the nation. His campaign slogan of “Kentucky: At Least We’re Not Mississippi!” seemed ill-chosen, but he won anyway. And his shameless obstructionism will continue apace. (Be assured, however, that during this time Susan Collins will express concern.)
On the plus side, the vaccine will be here soon. And it will be easily administered to Americans already in long lines for food. It’s a win-win.
Still no Clorox wipes in stores, though. The science just isn’t there yet.
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