THAT STATUE of Jesus standing with outstretched arms over Rio de Janeiro has always made a powerful impression on me; namely, how tired I would get if I did that for very long. These days, I don’t even greet family members with outstretched arms without written permission from my orthopedist, much less stand on a hillside piously overlooking a large population. (Not that anyone would ask me to. I’m very busy.)
It’s an awesome Jesus, although it has no moving parts and doesn’t light up at Christmas. It’s shorter than our own Statue of Liberty, and less green, and you can’t walk up a stairway inside it to peer out the top of his head which, in my opinion, is the creepiest thing you can do inside an American shrine. Unless it’s watching a baby spit up at the top of the Washington Monument, which I did years ago, after walking up the 897 steps to prove the stamina and grit of youth. (Come to think of it, maybe it was me that spit up.)
Nonetheless, that Jesus statue stands over Rio, night and day, making the people below extremely uncomfortable because they’re being constantly monitored by the Risen Lord. One can only hope that Rio’s famous nude beaches are outside his peripheral vision. (No peeking, sir.)
Living in Rio is hard enough, what with speaking a language that’s not quite Spanish. Portuguese is to Spanish as apples are to oranges, if the oranges tasted like bananas. Unlike the rest of South America, Brazil got stuck with Almost Spanish because in the late 1400s colonial powers Spain and Portugal divided up the continent using the negotiating technique of the day: rock, paper, scissors. Portugal chose rock. It was a different time then, with a different mentality. Five centuries later, we now know you should always choose paper.
SPEAKING PORTUGUESE under the unblinking gaze of Jesus is the least of Rio’s problems. In August, thousands of athletes and sports enthusiasts will arrive for the Olympic Games, this year featuring a variety of communicable diseases completely unrelated to the Zika virus that has affected so many. Local environmental conditions include dangerously contaminated water, polluted air, and a public health system so compromised one wonders why massive spending on new sports venues was so high on the national to-do list.
But you know how it is when corrupt local politicians get together with unrepentant members of the disgraced International Olympic Committee. After a few drinks they start drawing outdoor pools and giant soccer stadiums on cocktail napkins, then chuckle over how easy it will be to issue bonds that can never be repaid. Sadly, after a few more drinks tempers flare over whose secret bank account is bigger, until their limo drivers finally pull them apart. It’s a flawed process that results in criminal malfeasance, international condemnation, and unconscionable diversion of the public’s resources, but hey, it works.
U.S. ATHLETES are concerned about the risks posed by this year’s free-range amoeba games but optimistic they can once again bring home the gold, not to mention hepatitis A, cryptosporidiosis, viral gastroenteritis, encephalitis, and leptospirosis, to name a few in the first part of the alphabet. Naturally, silver and bronze winners would return with lesser conditions, such as severe diarrhea or an unexplained rash. But they will recover quickly and resume the enviable lives of Olympic champions who spend every waking moment wishing they’d been 1/200th of a second faster.
The events will test participants’ athletic prowess, as well as their intestinal fortitude, which used to be just an expression of courage. At this Olympics, however, it will be literal. Projectile vomiting will be added to traditional track and field events of shot put and javelin, with distance still the primary criteria. (Points will be deducted if anything splashes on nearby officials.)
Awards will be given out after a three-day incubation period to see how participants respond to antibiotics, and the medals will be presented by members of the Olympic Committee not currently under indictment or house arrest in their home countries. Local Brazilian officials may be asked to fill in, although the same two criteria will apply.
And Jesus will be watching the whole thing.
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