Dial-A-Dictator

Two dictators fell from power in the first months of 1986. Other dictators must be worried. Was it the water? The weather? Or perhaps the planetary alignment? Regardless of the reasons, the past few weeks have been interesting, exciting, and perhaps even frightening for the U.S.-supported dictators of the world.

Jean-Claude "President for Life" Duvalier was the first to find out that U.S. government support for Third World dictators goes only so far. He found himself run out of Haiti on a rail, or at least on a U.S. military plane filled with a few small crates of his favorite riches.

And then, of course, there was Ferdinand "Popular at the Polls" Marcos. He and his equally well-known wife, Imelda, had long counted the Reagans among their closest friends. Marcos knew the United States had always stood behind him. Corrupt elections, emergency decrees, political prisoners, death squads, and the like had never caused too much concern before.

But these dictators found out that it is getting hard to trust even your best friends. Personal friendship will not always get the U.S. Marines, as Marcos learned, but it will at least get you a ride on a U.S. plane and a welcome to the United States.

Not being a personal friend of the Reagans, Duvalier didn't do so well. When he applied for entry into the United States, the "No Vacancy" sign was up, as it had been earlier for Haitians fleeing his rule. Duvalier has a right to be surprised. After all, just a few short months ago, the Reagan administration submitted a request for $56 million in U.S. aid for Haiti. Now Baby Doc can't even land in New York if he pays his own way.

Even before the dust of the departed dictators settled, questions began to emerge. What do you do with a deposed dictator? How do you support them in the style to which they're accustomed? Should their past power allow them to escape justice through a global version of the Nixon pardon? And finally, the question no one is asking: Why was the U.S. taxpayer supporting these thugs and crooks in the first place?

Several suggestions have surfaced about what to do with dictators who have been dumped. The hard of heart have suggested sending them back to their countries to stand trial. This has the advantage of demonstrating that no one is above the law. Of course, we all know that dictators are above the law, so this won't happen.

A more moderate approach would be to return the accumulated wealth of the dictators to their homelands. Not a small part of their wealth--all of it. The dictators would not be sent back to stand trial, but they would live as the majority of their subjects lived for years--in poverty. This option may smack of self-righteousness, and, as President Reagan himself has pointed out, Marcos at least may have accumulated his fortune legally. After all, as president of the Philippines, Marcos earned $4,700 per year plus expenses. Sure, his estimated worth now is in the billions. But all that proves is the greatness of the free market system.

The problem is that these dictators aren't dumb. To protect themselves they hired some of the best legal, political, and financial wizards money can buy. The job of these professionals was to hide the dictators' wealth in the names of friends, relatives, and foreign corporations.

FORTUNATELY, OTHER MORE creative options have also surfaced. Dial-a-dictator is one. Why not put these years of experience to work for us? A ruthless dictator could be a real hit at right-wing fundraisers and parties. Dictators have hands-on experience dealing with popular dissent, electoral irregularities, and surveillance, to name a few. They also could offer valuable advice to groups needing an image shift. Marcos could teach the contras in Nicaragua a thing or two about democracy, and Duvalier could give lessons to South Korea about avoiding petition drives and elections.

But this type of advice is already being provided by professional image-makers such as presidential confidant Michael K. Deaver, and it may seem too demeaning to men who thought they were dictators for life.

That leaves us with just two options. The first is Dictatorland, a theme park for those few brave men and women who have proudly worn the dictator label. It would have to be on a much grander scale, of course, than Disneyland or Busch Gardens, but the idea would be the same.

Dictatorland would provide an opportunity for the participants to escape from reality. One can imagine the rides and activities of Dictatorland being slightly different than at other theme parks--the most notable difference being the dictator would be in control. Ride operators would not be welcome or needed.

The other major difference would be the theme itself. Each activity would feature an opportunity for the rider to be a hero, saving the people from communism, capitalism (left-wing dictators would, of course, be welcome), or some other nameless foe. And each ride would come complete with cheering throngs thankful for their salvation.

If the sets were realistic enough, a dictator could spend his entire life in a place like this. And although it wouldn't be cheap, at least it would keep the dictators off the streets.

The final option is my favorite: Give the dictators an island of their own--a home for deposed dictators. Each dictator would receive an elaborate villa, estate, palace, or home of their choice. They would be given the finest foods, drinks, and material possessions money can buy.

The island home would be luxurious enough to attract not-yet-deposed dictators like Pinochet from Chile and Chun Doo Hwan from South Korea. Once the dictators are settled, they would be left with one command: Decide who's in charge! That may be as close to justice as a dictator gets.

Dennis Marker was a Sojourners’ assistant to the editor when this article appeared.