The Facts About NAFTA

The Facts About NAFTA

The continuing debate over the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) has prompted much confusion on the part of the not-so-sharp masses, such as yourself. The editors of Sojourners are deeply concerned that this major issue is being misunderstood by our readers, and they asked me to help.

I am an expert on NAFTA. In fact, NAFTA is my middle name. And even though the kids in junior high used to beat me up because of it ("Hey, Nafta! Nice pocket protector! Hah! Hah! Hah!"), I'm more than qualified to explain the intricacies of this bold new step into modern commerce.

First, we must understand the two fundamental and irrevocable truths about NAFTA:

1. Thousands of Americans will lose their jobs.

2. That's a lie, barn-breath. Thousands of Americans will not lose their jobs.

If you see a basic contradiction between these two truths, then you obviously have been watching M*A*S*H reruns when you should have been reading those really long and boring NAFTA articles in the Sunday paper.

But then, I'm being a little harsh here. After all, you read Sojourners. So that already tells me you're not afraid of complicated political analysis or radical food recipes. Let's continue.

NAFTA (pronounced nåa-pht-æ) is designed to open trade between the United States and Canada and another country...I think it may be Mexico. Under this agreement a three-part process is created that benefits the citizens of each country.

It works like this: First, U.S. chemical firms sell pesticides to Mexico that have been banned in the United States. Mexico sprays these chemicals on fruit crops which are, in turn, sold back to the United States.

Meanwhile, U.S. automakers are paying Canadian workers to produce new cars. These new cars are then shipped into the United States.

This all comes together when unemployed Americans buy tainted fruit for their families to eat while walking around new-car lots on Sundays, dreaming about the minivan they'll buy as soon as they win the lottery. So you see, everybody gets a piece of the pie.

But wait a minute, you say. U.S. manufacturers are already exporting jobs and illegal chemicals to other countries. Yes, but after NAFTA, they don't have to do it under cover of darkness. That's the beauty of it.

Another example might be useful at this point. Let's say that the economies of Canada, Mexico, and the United States are represented by a partially eaten donut left in the refrigerator. It's sitting there all by itself, "up for grabs," as they say at international trade conferences. You have no idea that two young girls have carefully negotiated an agreement as to when this donut should be eaten, and how much each would get. But if you are hungry, and, like I said, NOBODY SAID ANYTHING ABOUT NOT EATING IT, then you go ahead and take it and later your kids get real mad at you and insist you go out and buy another donut, and it has to be the exact same kind. So you have to drive to Dunkin' Donuts instead of writing a column about NAFTA. This kind of thing happens in the real world, I'm told.

So, in conclusion, we feel that a woman should have the right to choose NAFTA, but only after a seven-day waiting period that includes counseling, unnecessary medical tests, and a good talking-to from her parents.

And Now the News...

Under the "strange but true" category:

Russia is taking bids from firms qualified to dilute its weapons-grade uranium into reactor fuel. One American company vying for the job is called Nukem Inc. (I swear, this really is true.)

The non-profit Christian Broadcasting Network recently invested $2.8 million in a vitamin and cosmetics company in which CBN founder Pat Robertson owns half the stock. Robertson, an expert in 13th-century religious practices, said he did "nothing unethical or inappropriate" in investing the ministry's money into a for-profit company. The firm markets Sea of Galilee cosmetics and the American Whey nutritional drink. (Coincidentally, Sojourners is considering marketing its own line of cosmetics. The television ad features an attractive woman breathlessly whispering the word "Edwardo!")

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.